I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
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ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Yup….perfect score!
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.