God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
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” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.