Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
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Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
😂💯