Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
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Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
the rocks need my help
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.