7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
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I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy