My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
need him