Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
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i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
had to make it
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
“Theirye’re” problem solved
You’ll be OK
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread