A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
You have been warned.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.