What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
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Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
The 6 types of sex
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses