Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
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I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.