Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
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my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
omg leave her alone
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.