Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
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Guy who likes music
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.