This may be my favorite dog video ever.
You Might Also Like
when someone compliments me
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
LMAO
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.