*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww