Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me