If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
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This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
hackers play passwordle
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.