6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
birds and squirrels envy us
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.