*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
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If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.