You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
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When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
My hips? Compulsive liars.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.