What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
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Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.