You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
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ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
We’ve all been there
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.