I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
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Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Oh my God.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.