My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Wise advice
The Sun
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Why font matters.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
*pronounces woah like Noah*
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*