her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
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I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday