[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
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I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Leonardo DiCaprisun
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”