[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
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Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.