I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months