Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
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bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
“That’s what” – She
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.