Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.