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Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I think they could have phrased this better
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Made something I’m not proud of
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!