People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
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[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
2023 was just a warmup
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
oh shit
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Oh no
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first