The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
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The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.