“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
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My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Worth remembering.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”