Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
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my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car