I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
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*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
This will never not be funny to me.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff