Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
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Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo