I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?