*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
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Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.