Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
You Might Also Like
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.