*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
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ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.