My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
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Double negatives are never not confusing.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
technically true but not a great slogan
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.