why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
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Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.