*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
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GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.