Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
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if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
jesus christ confetti not now
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms