My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
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[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Basketball
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Gods work.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps