Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
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[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.