That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
You Might Also Like
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Its true…
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over