It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
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Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.