Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
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ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.