True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
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AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.